Monday, June 6, 2011

My Biopsy

I am sorry for not posting a blog on Friday. After discovering a physical issue last week, I had an MRI and a sonogram first thing on Friday morning. After the test results revealed that I would need a biopsy on Tuesday, last Friday was spent processing with my family and friends.

The Doctor said that I was "blessed to have found this so early" which reinforced the voice of the Lord that came with urgency a few days before. I am aware of the potential. In my mind, I have gone all the way down the road of suffering and found, that I will never be forsaken or forgotten by God. He will be with me, every step in this process. In fact, whatever the outcome, I am at peace that I HEAR Him and I know Him. He is for me. But it is important to know that my spiritual assignment is His focus, not my physical comfort or security.

My most recent book, about transformation, and even my most recent messages, have all held the keys to winning this battle for me. I am walking out, in the most extreme fashion, what it feels to lay my life down completely, without reservation. In the past, although I have been in the ministry, I have reserved part of myself, not quite giving everything. I wouldn't have compared myself to Jonah in the past, until the last few days.

Through this storm, I have come to see very clearly, the exact location of my silent and stubborn rebellion. I didn't overtly take a boat in the opposite direction of my calling, but I did withhold a portion of my potential and passion.

There is a part of myself that has always longed for a simple, little life. Not a life with stages, lights and audiences. Until last week, I have always seen the "big" life I lead, as God's idea to which I reluctantly tagged along. Meanwhile, my flesh neatly tucked away MY ideas for a seamless escape to the ordinary, one I would make when the right moment arose. Even though I wasn't physically on a boat going in the opposite direction, some part of me was moving in opposition to the rest of me. To picture myself in this way really grieves me. But it is true.

At every turn, as God has been elevating me, I have been looking for a way of escape, as if I was taken against my will. When doors of ministry would open, I would suggest others instead, so that I could move into the shadows, away from the spotlight. This method of operation was neatly wrapped in "humility," until Friday. My motives for escape were even hidden from myself. I saw my promotion of others as completely unselfish when in truth although they were mostly for the benefit of others, there was a parasite of personal gain hiding there. My ambition, my gain, didn't look like everyone else's. So it was more easily concealed. I didn't want more, I wanted less. Less spotlight equaled less pressure, less expectation, less rejection.

The reality of what I am facing on Tuesday, opened me up and laid bare every motive. My prayer was that every hidden thing would be revealed. I just wasn't expecting that my motives would be revealed so clearly by an MRI.

I have believed that this test for me was about uprooting something small, before it can grow to destroy me. This may be true physically, when we hear the pathology report. But the real power to destroy me comes from the cancer of flesh, multiplying over time, replacing and overcoming my spiritual assignment. My desires replacing God's will for my life is the only thing that can circumvent the destiny He's designed for me. Even wanting less than I have been assigned, is the rejection of my spiritual position.

As far as I am concerned, the real danger to my destiny has already been surgically removed by the Spirit. The weapon formed against me has been revealed and dismantled. As long as I am wholeheartedly aboard God's vessel there is truly nothing the enemy can do to divert me from my course.

Like Jonah, I have been guilty of sabotaging my own effectiveness in the ministry for which I am anointed and called.

I live transparently. I cannot live any other way. And I understand that in sharing this with you, I may be opened up to criticism and diagnosis. Perhaps that is why it is so important for me to share. I am demonstrating my commitment to be who God has called me to be in the largest sense, not the smallest. I could aim small by not including you in this battle but I have been aiming small for far too long.

I am aware that not everyone who reads this will pray for me, some will celebrate my current situation. I don't care. The few negative folks have had too loud and opinion in my life. Consider your signal scrambled. Jonah was moved in a contrary motion to the will of God, all due to his fear of rejection by man. I haven't seen it till recently, but I have been moved by the rejection of others. No more!!

It's my time of re-enlistment. I know what I am signing up for. Counting the cost and reading the fine print are no longer viable terms and conditions. I am ready and willing to completely and instantly, obey. No holding back.

I feel like I have already had a biopsy. A spiritual one. God inserted this situation into my life, pulled out something hidden and under the microscope of His perspective, showed me what was growing there. I am so grateful for His hand in my life. At times the probing is painful. But He is our light and our salvation. He is revealing what is hidden, not to destroy us but to display His glory in our lives.

The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 21:1